Most of us see ourselves as innocent bystanders in our relationships. The way we are seems totally unrelated to how others behave. Reality, of course, is quite different. We tend to only see things from our own point of view. We tell ourselves a story about “us,” and this story can be very different from reality. Even though we prefer to deny it, we know that in relationships everything is interaction and that our behavior provokes a response in the other and that response in turn provokes a reaction and so on.
For example, if a wife expresses an outrageous view, the husband might respond with a cautious, conservative opinion, which she will then criticize, and he will respond by becoming even more rigid in his view. It’s often difficult to determine what came first-her outrageousness or high rigidity.
Wife: I’m going to get the new Volkswagen Rabbit. I love the shape and the colors!
Husband: We need to look at the safety and consumer ratings before we make a decision.
Wife: You’re so boring! Buying a car is like buying a dress; it’s the shape and the color that matter.
Husband: We are not buying a new car this year. We simply can’t afford it.
In every situation, we make three unconscious decisions: what we focus on, what it means to us, and what we should do to create the results we desire. While the wife was focusing on the pleasing aesthetics of the car, the husband was focusing on safety and performance ratings and finances. By changing her mental framework, her point of view, the wife might have changed her husband’s reactions. If she had taken into account the sorts of concerns she knew her husband would focus on, she might have presented her desire differently.
If the wife had said, “I’m thinking of getting the new Volkswagen Rabbit. I love the shape and the colors, and I think it has great ratings,” the husband’s response might have been different. Likewise, if the husband had replied to her first statement with “I like the shape and the colors, too. Let’s look up the ratings,” the wife might not have immediately jumped to the conclusion that her husband was boring.
A simple change of focus can immediately change a habitual mode of conflict.
